It's time!

So, I have been holding off writing but I think it's time....

Well, my "try" worked, I'm pregnant....with twins. I can't even believe it. I had really began to think it would never happen. I am going tomorrow for an ultrasound to find out heartrates. I'm hoping Baby "B" continued growing like it was supposed to because some things weren't able to be seen in my first ultrasound that did put it in question.

Although I've always secretly wanted to have twins, that doesn't make it any less scary for it to be reality. I thought that I shouldn't write about this so early, but given that it has really been the center of my life for so many years now that how could I not write about it? Besides, I think anyone who may read this already knows. I don't really have any symptoms yet, not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I don't really have a choice but to go with it, right?

I have to admit that I was amazed at how quickly my thinking changed once I found out. No longer is life just about me. I guess the worrying starts now and never stops right?

Scared

So all of a sudden this weekend I am really scared about the next "try." What if it doesn't work? I don't think I know how to handle this. I want to be positive and I really need this time to work, but how much do i let myself hope and wish. I know my last post said that "life without a child wasn't an option," reality says it's definitely something I may need to accept. I have 9 embryos frozen and we'll thaw most of them in the next try. I can't afford adoption and it's close to impossible to get an infant when your single. So if this doesn't work, what do I do?

I'm scared, really scared. I need this to work.

Adoption?

So, I figure after 3 years of trying to have a baby with no luck, I need to start considering other options. I still have some frozen embryos and will keep trying as long as I have them, but there is no guarantee. It's definitely a hard decision. I have always wanted to have a child, to go through a pregnancy and bring someone into the world that is part of me. Adoption seems so far from that, no pregnancy, not a part of me, likely not even an infant.

I'm the girl that when I got my first dog (Cubby), I searched for months for a breeder, met the mother before the litter was born, saw the litter as soon as the breeder would let me, picked my dog from litter, and took him home as soon as the breeder would let me. Even the rescue dog I have (Jake), I searched for months for and even he was only 6 months old when i got him.

If I'm this way for choosing a pet, how on earth can i handle the adoption process; the time, the money, the lack of control over my fate. it's a lot to take in. I couldn't even start the process living here, I'd have to move back home (which i want to do anyway) because i can't pass a home study here. I need a much larger family and friends support network than I have here considering I have no family here at all and very few friends that could provide the support necessary to be approved for an adoption. Then there's the money......but a life without children, not an option either. So how do I do this?

I wish someone had told me...

I wish someone had told me what a dangerous thing Hope can be, especially for someone like me who lives in her head.

Work is crazy....

So I had my first accupunture appointment this week. My fertility doctor suggested I try it and see if it helps. I'm being positive about it and hoping it helps, if nothing else with at least the stress of the situation. I felt some things while I was laying there, but I can't help but wonder if what I felt was real or I felt them because the accupuncturist said I might feel it. I didn't really feel any different, but I have a lot of stress at work and have been able to laugh at it most of time, so maybe it is helping.

Work is a little crazy, lots of risks being taken and unfortunately for me, i seem to be at the bottom of the totem pole. You know what they say, "Sh*% rolls downhill." All I can do is my job and hope that it all works itself out, though I have to admit I am somewhat running out of hours in the day. I have a friend at work in somewhat the same boat, lots of pressure and he's always so calm, I don't know how he does it. Hopefully the accupuncture will help. ;)

Getting back in touch...

I joined Facebook.com about a month or so ago. It is so cool to be able to get back in touch with so many people from high school and college. Even nicer that we are no longer slaves to the peer pressures that were high school and college. ;) It's nice.

I also had a trip down memory lane when I went to see John Pepper speak for a Procter and Gamble Alumni event. It definitley made me miss working for P&G. When I think of all the places that I have worked, it's the only place that I created lasting friendships. I am still in touch with several of my co-workers from P&G even after they also moved on from P&G. I don't have those relationships from any other job. Definitely makes me think as I start to search for a job in the Cleveland area, so that I can move home.

I went back to my doctor this week as well. She says there's still hope, but I have to admit those statistics are killing me. The next step would be an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Basically, they thaw out the extra embryos I have from the IVF procedure. The success statistics go down dramatically with this procedure. She suggested I try accupuncture. AT the very least, they say it will decrease the stress. I don't know what's going to happen, but these are my options.

I guess I'll try to have a little faith and go full throttle with everything and see how it falls.

A week later...

Well, I did get the official negative result on Monday and even though I knew what the result was going to be, it still felt like someone shoved a knife right through my heart. For the most part I was fine, unless talking out loud about it. I don't know what I'm going to do next, it's all a little overwhelming. I can't imagine life without a child, but then again there were a lot of things I couldn't imagine happening to me that have, being alone is one of them.

It's funny, I started reading this book today, "Knock yourself up: A tell-all guide to becoming a single mom." It's a collection of experiences from women around the country and their journey to becoming a single mom. It is nice to know that I am not alone, but doesn't make it any easier. This book kind of brings back memories of how I got here in the first place. Truth is, I haven't dated anyone since college, 1998 to be exact. After about 7 years of lonliness and failed attempts of trying to be the extrovert that I'm clearly not, I made the decision to stop trying all together and just switch my priorities around and try to move on with my life. I don't regret the decision in any way, despite all the dissappointments I've endured through this process, but it doesn't hurt any less. I still find myself wandering why I couldn't find someone, what is wrong with me, why don't they love me? I guess those are questions I'll always be asking myself, and probably the main reason I have so many issues with faith, God and religion. I guess when I started the process of trying to have a baby, I somehow rationalized in my head that God would make this easy to make up for me being alone. Stupid, I know. Like God doesn't have enough to worry about, that he would concentrate on making me miserable, but then again, if there are so many other things that God is concentrating on, why does everyone always say, "God has a plan for you, you just don't know what it is yet." Did my plan get lost in the shuffle, or is this really it? I totally admire and envy everyone who seems to gather such strength from God, faith and their religion, even in times of real loss ( I don't feel I lost anything but hope, because that's truly all I had in the first place) , sickness and pain. I wish that I could do that. I wish that I could tell myself it will all be alright and that God has a plan for me, i just have to be patient. At this particular moment, I don't have the strength or the patience to do that. I know my clock is ticking with the fertility and the financial well is going dry, then what? Acceptance of being alone and child free, is that even an option? I wouldn't have thought so, but sometimes, you just don't have a choice in the matter. I'm a planner and have had to make so many detours and plan B's over the years, but I don't know how to detour plan B from here. I can honestly say I am truly lost....